Death Wish
by mememeimjustme
Summary: One shot. Hazel and Pudge exchange their views on lives.


Hazel was done with cancer. She did not want therapy for her cancer. Half of the time she didn't even want treatment.

For once in her life, her parents agreed with her. She did not need therapy for cancer, Hazel Grace needed therapy for Augustus Waters. And for Augustus Waters, there was no treatment.

No one ever gets over losing that one person they are supposed to be with forever. No one gets over losing a soul mate. No one gets over losing the person that they love most in the world. The person that always surprised them, in a good way. That one, single person in the world that is perfect for them, and them only. The person that made them laugh and smile no matter what. The person that made them the best the could be.

Hazel wanted to die. Hazel did not want Augustus to face oblivion alone. Hazel wanted cancer. Hazel wanted Augustus.

So, Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster sent her to a support group for people who had lost loved ones. Hazel did not want to at first. She imagined a group of goth kids that had lost their grandpa or something really stupid.

Because Augustus was one of a kind, and Hazel loved him with all her heart. There was not a person in the world who could get Hazel out of her hole. There was not a person in the world who understood her pain.

* * *

Miles and the Colonel had long decided that it was probably suicide. Alaska killed herself out of guilt. She spent her life thinking that she had killed her mom, and then she let a little, okay a lot of, alcohol and boys distract her from that, and she was upset. Miles thought she probably hadn't left the school meaning to kill herself, but the opportunity was there and she wasn't thinking straight and bam.

Somehow that was the only thing that really made Miles feel better. The thought that she hadn't intended on leaving him alone in the labyrinth of suffering. And he forgave her for that.

After long, the Colonel realized that Pudge was not getting better. Although everyone was still sad, and no one would ever dare say Pudge missed her more, he was not dealing. Miles was not living on, as Alaska would have wanted. He was stuck. Wasting away. Alcohol and cigarettes and drugs every now and then. Time was completely frozen in the labyrinth, he always said. He did not move on, he stayed, numb.

The Colonel went to get medical, psychiatric help eventually.

No one was as intelligent as Alaska. No one would get it. No one would understand the meaning of the labyrinth. No one could really answer his question, "How to I escape?" Because he couldn't escape. Alaska was one mountain that Miles Halter could not climb, so he did not try.

* * *

Hazel Grace was pleased to find that she wasn't completely right about the goth, grandparentless teenagers. Some people were actually, genuinely sad like her. But no one really understood, even though they tried so hard.

Until String Bean came. His real name was Miles. He was tall and skinny, with shaggy hair and red-rimmed eyes, and wreaked of cigarette smoke and pure alcohol. Hazel almost laughed. Cigarette smoke. Real cigarettes.

"Hazel, you and Miles seem to be similarly occupied," Mr. Idhe, the therapist, noted.

Miles turned his head slowly towards Hazel, "Us?"

"Recently Hazel's friend passed away of cancer," Mr. Idhe explained.

"Boyfriend," Hazel corrected firmly.

Miles shook his head, "No. We're not the same. Hazel saw it coming."

Hazel gasped in horror, "Saw it coming? Saw it coming?! Listen to me, you uneducated little sleeze. Augustus was the smartest, best person I ever knew. He was supposed to be cured. It unexpectedly came back, got it? I did not see it coming, and I'm sure you're friend, not girlfriend I might add, was just an accident waiting to happen."

Hazel stood up and stopped out a furiously as she could while dragging her oxygen tank.

Miles stood up and followed her.

"I'm sorry," he grabbed her arm. He was standing really close.

"You smell like a middle school boy," she said, sniffing his Axe. "That smokes, of course. You know, you ungrateful smokers sicken me. You have a perfectly good set of lungs that you're ruining by doing that."

Miles smiled sadly, "They smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die." Hazel, for once, was completely speechless. He wasn't some worthless junkie. Miles Halter was a genuinely sad person, just like her.

Hazel started crying and just hugged him, "You want to die too." It was not a question, but Miles nodded.

"You know what my Alaska used to ask?" Miles whispered.

Hazel looked up, alarmed. She felt like it was something that she didn't deserve to hear. Alaska was his, a person he shouldn't have to share with anyone else. To have her life and secrets be told to a girl who had never met her seemed almost disrespectful. "What?" Hazel finally asked.

"She used to always ask 'how do we get out of the labyrinth'? Like the labyrinth of suffering. She finally answered herself with three words, 'straight and fast'. That was when she killed herself. I think maybe she was wrong though. So, Hazel, how do we get out of the labyrinth of suffering?"

Hazel chuckled, "The labyrinth of suffering? Well suffering is fears come to life. One who is not afraid of spiders does not panic when a spider crawls onto their foot. One is afraid of spiders suffers when a spider crawls onto their foot."

Miles stared at her, "Are you sick?"

Hazel motioned towards her oxygen tank, "Yeah, I am. But listen. You were afraid of losing Alaska, and I was afraid of losing Augustus. This is why we suffer when they leave us. The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to get over those fears, and to keep moving forward."

"I think I could get used to being friends with you," Miles winked.

"Well you shouldn't, because I'm going to die soon."

"Well you are my last hope for humanity, Hazel Lancaster. So if you die, I'm going to have to get out straight and fast."

"Only if you can promise me that we'll go on a double date in heaven some time."

"That's sad. You're crazy. Why would you say something like that?"

"Because heaven is the only light in my future, Miles. So I suppose it wouldn't alright if you joined me. If I go first, I'll tell Alaska you say 'hi'."

"You're sick!" Miles said, disgusted. How miserable does one have to be to look forward to death? As miserable as I am, he realized. They were no different, not really.

"Yeah, I am," Hazel agreed, glancing at the oxygen tank again.


End file.
